When we found the polyamory community in Central Florida, we were flabbergasted that we left our first “support group” having had our asses raked across the coals.
The basic message went something like this: ”You’re a couple looking for a female to join your family!? How dare you! You just want someone to cook and clean and take care of the kids, then have sex with both of you — at the same time. Disgusting!”
After trying to defend ourselves against 30 of these mongrels – excuse me, fellow poly supporters — they switched tactics on us and declared: “You’ll never find someone like that, anyway. Every couple comes here looking for that hot bi babe. Females like that are about as common as your run-of-the-mill unicorns. It’s ridiculous to think you could find someone who would be interested in you, and interested in your husband, and interested in a poly relationship with both of you.”
(It should be noted, by the way, they were all sitting around a large table with their multiple wives/ girlfriends/ husbands/ boyfriends while telling us this dream of plural marriage is near impossible.)
For months this left me reeling. I felt like we were ambushed. They asked us why we were looking for a third and I told them all the practical reasons (someone to share chores with, someone to hang out with, someone who shares interests with each of us that the current spouse doesn’t) and we got jumped. “If you want someone to clean your house, hire a housekeeper. If you want someone to watch your kid, hire a babysitter. Better yet, just get a roommate.”
I have two problems with those suggestions.
#1 – It’s highly inappropriate to be romantically involved with your housekeeper/babysitter/roommate. You don’t have sex with the people you pay to work for you. It’s sexual harassment in the workplace and there’s a whole list of bad things that could come your way if someone decided to accuse you of rape.
#2 – I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TO BE MY FRIEND!!!
Friends do things for each other because they want to. Friends hang out because they like to. Friends give and friends take, all in the name of friendship. True friends stick it out through the tough spots and rough times, even when you’re emotionally hurt and acting pissy towards the world. (They’re supposed to anyway.)
The only friend who’s ever done all of that and is still a part of my life today is my husband. So, logically, if I’m looking for more friends who are loyal, trustworthy, honest, loving, firm and kind, then what I really need to look for is another person who wants to be a part of our family.
It floors me every time I hear poly people coming down on those who are looking to become poly as well. It’s far worse than any reaction we’ve ever encountered from monogamous folks. It creates feelings of shame, secrecy, isolation, despair, distrust, and self-doubt. A great recipe for depression and suicidal thoughts. Keep up the good work guys.
