I want to write today about divorce. Literally meaning “to divert,” to turn in opposite directions, to change from one course to another. Used in a more temporary fashion, divert is also a synonym for amuse, as in those instances where we move the attention from suffering to joyfulness, if but only for a moment.
When we put it that way, divorce doesn’t seem so bad. The contemporary usage, however, a legal dissolution of marriage, has ramifications far beyond what any one of us could singularly comprehend. Divorcing one’s spouse – the person with whom you have vowed to uphold certain promises to – is an ultimate betrayal.
True, there are many circumstances where divorce is necessary to preserve the sanity and security for one’s self and one’s children. The irony is, women and men in extremely abusive relationships truly fear for their lives if they would dare attempt such a feat. (Remember what I said earlier about betrayal?) Usually in those instances, the abused will do everything in their power to hold things together until the abuser decides to exit the situation and end the whole ordeal on their terms.
Most cases of divorce, on the other hand, are between spouses that come to some determination that their lives can no longer be intertwined due to “marital disputes.” I know people who have divorced their spouses because they could not agree on which part of the country to live in, because their spouse suffered a debilitating injury and could not bring home as much money as they used to, because they were tired of fighting all the time, because they wanted more sex, because they couldn’t agree on childcare, etc., etc., etc.
It took many years before I could accept that my mother and father’s claim of “we don’t fight” was actually abnormal as far as relationships go. (The truth is, my mother is so controlling she even chooses what clothes my father should wear for different activities. He’s just learned to keep the peace by not setting boundaries for himself.) Every couple fights, every couple argues, every couple disagrees.
Because no two people are exactly alike in their tastes, preferences, beliefs, or pet peeves, friction is bound to happen — especially when neither party wishes to compromise so that both can get what they need. Add to that the times when our worst qualities come out and demand to be seen, and you’ve got a recipe for emotional warfare waiting to explode all over the living room.
I don’t think I would fantasize about divorce nearly as much if I wasn’t hearing about it all the time. I would probably fantasize about separate vacations, or having an affair, or any number of things that would hint at the promise of personal freedom from childcare and household responsibilities.
Divorce is an illusion – a solution to a problem that in the long run only creates more of the same problems.
David and I aren’t willing to go there. So we do something radical that most couples, it seems, don’t do: we talk about how we’re feeling. We listen to how the other one is feeling. We try to discover together where the roots of the feelings lie. We look for solutions that will make both of us feel better. And you know what? Each and every time, we find one. Then we work on it.
Relationships aren’t static. People aren’t static. Our needs change over time because our interests and desires change over time. Therefore, how we relate to each other’s needs (i.e. the relationship) changes too.
It’s not that some people are just better at it than others; it’s that some people are more willing to work on the hard stuff than others. Nobody who gets married ever knows what they’re in for.
It takes work, it takes practice, and it takes commitment. “For as long as love shall live.”
