Questionnaire for Cohabitation

Another great article from polyfamilies.com:

Kai Laughing Wolf came up with this questionaire for potential living together. It’s a good list and a great way to get together and hammer out what’s best in co-habitation.   If there’s an issue not on this list, the way it’s put together is still a wonderful jumping off point for discussion about such matters.

1. Toilet paper should be hung:
2. I like showers that are:
   a.  10 minutes or less
   b.  10 to 30 minutes
   c.  30 minutes or longer
3. I get up in the morning around : a.m.
4. Bed time for me is around: p.m./a.m.
5. I wake up in a ____ mood
6. How much do I drink
7. I know what happens at 4:20 and I’m:
   a.  Ok with it
   b.  down with it once in awhile
   c.  need it to function
8. My three favorite TV programs are:
9. I watch ____ hours of TV a day.
10. I am allergic to:
11. Dogs:
    a.  love ‘em
    b.  they’re ok
    c.  No way!
12. Cats:
    a.  love ‘em
    b.  they’re ok
    c.  No way!
13. Kids:
    a.  love ‘em
    b.  they’re ok
    c.  No way!
    d.  Let’s have some more!
14. I need ____ number of pillows to sleep well at night.
15. I need ____ number of covers to sleep well at night.
16. The ideal night setting on the thermostat is:
17. The ideal day time setting for the thermostat is:
18. I eat and enjoy red meat: Yes or No
19. Household chores should be:
    a.  divided up and written on a chart
    b.  handled as each of us sees a need
    c.  we each have specific ones which are assigned to us and don’t change.
20. Rent at our apartment complex is due on the: of the month
21. If I’m short a little money I will:
    a.  ask for a loan
    b.  sulk a lot and hope you suggest something
    c.  pretend everything’s ok and never let on that I’m having problems.
22. If I see a piece of paper in the floor and it has some kind of art form on it I will: a.  toss it in the trash
    b.  put my pizza on it
    c.  Put it on someone’s desk
    d.  leave it where it is
23. I am very particular about:
24. Recycling:
    a.  not even!
    b.  yes, but only paper and bottles
    c.  everything, every time.
25. I am interested in:
    a.  cooking my own separate meals
    b.  sharing cooked meals and taking a turn cooking myself
    c.  I’ll be eating out every night
26. Dishes should be handled:
    a.  everyone washes what they use
    b.  the cook cooks and then someone else washes, but we all take turns doing both.
    c.  I’ll use only paper plates and plastic silverware.
27. The food that I absolutely will NOT eat is:
28. Things that will make me nuts in a kitchen are: (example: open cabinets)
29. I think it’s only fair that I have ___ % of the common rooms for my stuff and my decorating tastes.
30. Books and CD’s are best arranged:
    a.  alphabetically
    b.  by subject/musical style
    c.  by color
31. Incense, candles and room scents – likes and dislikes:
32. The worst kind of music is:
33. The best kind of music is:
34. You’re going to be late coming home – do you call or not? If so, when?
35. If you want to totally piss me off, do this:
36. When I use the bathroom I require:
    a.  total silence and privacy
    b.  books, magazines, props and air freshener spray
    c.  I’m in, I’m out and it’s on to big adventures
37. If I’m awakened in the night, it makes me:
38. I sleep in:
    a.  regular bed clothes (p.j.s, gown, etc.)
    b.  the nude
    c.  clothes not suitable for small children to catch me in
39. Nudity:
    a.  fine by me
    b.  not for me but if others want to, it doesn’t bug me.
    c.  cover that up! Always! Every time!
40. Privacy in the common rooms means to me:
41. Privacy in my own room means:
42. I would like my mail:
    a.  picked up and put with the daily mail in a pre-arranged place
    b.  left in the mailbox until I pick it up
    c.  left here:______________
43. When someone leaves the room:
    a.  I’m going to yell at them about leaving the lights on.
    b.  I’m going to mention them leaving the lights on.
    c.  lights? what lights? I never notice.
44. Milk: Whole, 2%, Skim?
45. Left overs and take out bags:
    a.  whoever gets to them first
    b.  the property of the original owner|
    c.  divided into equal portions among the household.
46. On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being a total neat freak and 5 being a total pig) I am:
47. On a scale of 1 to 5, I need you to be at least a:
48. If I have a problem with you I would usually:
    a.  tell you in a note
    b.  call a family meeting
    c.  suffer in silence, leave the house a lot and eventually blow up
    d.  lose my temper, yell about it but then apologize
49. I prefer a home environment that is:
    a.  calm and quiet
    b.  exciting and constantly on the go
    c.  a little of both
    d.  neither, I like:
50. I would like my phone messages to be handled this way:
51. I prefer to have:
    a.  lots of friends around all the time
    b.  a few friends around all the time
    c.  a few friends around off and on
    d.  very few people around most of the time
52. I am scared of: (example:spiders)
53. I require a totally dark room to sleep in.  Y or N.
54. I can and will keep houseplants alive.
55. I know CPR.  Y or N.
56. When my parents/relatives call:
    a.  wait for a signal from me to decide if I’m home b.  take a message
    c.  hand me the phone.
57. Dog pee in the floor:
    a.  your dog, you deal.
    b.  argh, I found it.  I’ll clean it.
    c.  why’s my sock wet?
58. Laundry will be handled:
    a.  one family, one laundry pile and we do it together
    b.  totally my own deal.
59. I am:
    a.  totally out to my friends, co-workers and family about all of my lifestyle choices
    b.  partially out, please ask before disclosing.
    c.  totally closeted about everything, reveal nothing.
60. When we go somewhere together:
    a.  I love to drive.
    b.  I’ll drive sometimes, but I’m not fanatical about it.
    c.  I call shotgun!
61. Do you have any known backseat driving tendencies, if so, how do you plan to handle them?
62. I need the following environment to study/work from home:

A Day In The Life…

When people ask me why I want a second wife, I’m sending them here from now on:

“This was an actual day in my life and why I so treasure my family:”

http://www.polyfamilies.com/polyday.html

Nobility Revised

“Nobility is in being honest with yourself about what you want and how you really want to live.”

How intuitive!  Follow the link to see the whole shebang:

http://www.polyfamilies.com/polyinorout.html

Chasing the Unicorn

When we found the polyamory community in Central Florida, we were flabbergasted that we left our first “support group” having had our asses raked across the coals. 

The basic message went something like this:  ”You’re a couple looking for a female to join your family!? How dare you!  You just want someone to cook and clean and take care of the kids, then have sex with both of you — at the same time.  Disgusting!”

After trying to defend ourselves against 30 of these mongrels – excuse me, fellow poly supporters — they switched tactics on us and declared:  “You’ll never find someone like that, anyway.  Every couple comes here looking for that hot bi babe.  Females like that are about as common as your run-of-the-mill unicorns.  It’s ridiculous to think you could find someone who would be interested in you, and interested in your husband, and interested in a poly relationship with both of you.” 

(It should be noted, by the way, they were all sitting around a large table with their multiple wives/ girlfriends/ husbands/ boyfriends while telling us this dream of plural marriage is near impossible.)

For months this left me reeling.  I felt like we were ambushed.  They asked us why we were looking for a third and I told them all the practical reasons (someone to share chores with, someone to hang out with, someone who shares interests with each of us that the current spouse doesn’t) and we got jumped.  “If you want someone to clean your house, hire a housekeeper.  If you want someone to watch your kid, hire a babysitter.  Better yet, just get a roommate.”

I have two problems with those suggestions.

#1 – It’s highly inappropriate to be romantically involved with your housekeeper/babysitter/roommate.  You don’t have sex with the people you pay to work for you.  It’s sexual harassment in the workplace and there’s a whole list of bad things that could come your way if someone decided to accuse you of rape.

#2 – I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PAY SOMEONE TO BE MY FRIEND!!!

Friends do things for each other because they want to.  Friends hang out because they like to.  Friends give and friends take, all in the name of friendship.  True friends stick it out through the tough spots and rough times, even when you’re emotionally hurt and acting pissy towards the world.  (They’re supposed to anyway.)

The only friend who’s ever done all of that and is still a part of my life today is my husband.  So, logically, if I’m looking for more friends who are loyal, trustworthy, honest, loving, firm and kind, then what I really need to look for is another person who wants to be a part of our family.

It floors me every time I hear poly people coming down on those who are looking to become poly as well.  It’s far worse than any reaction we’ve ever encountered from monogamous folks.  It creates feelings of shame, secrecy, isolation, despair, distrust, and self-doubt.  A great recipe for depression and suicidal thoughts.  Keep up the good work guys.

The Nitty Gritty

“Polygamy is a religiously proper alternative to adultery, divorce, and remarriage, and a real answer for the many unmarried women who might otherwise have no chance at motherhood” … or a stable family life for their children.

A great quote that I wanted to add a little on.  The full-length article can be found here: http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/012/266jhfgd.asp?pg=1

Thoughts on Divorce

I want to write today about divorce.  Literally meaning “to divert,” to turn in opposite directions, to change from one course to another.  Used in a more temporary fashion, divert is also a synonym for amuse, as in those instances where we move the attention from suffering to joyfulness, if but only for a moment.

When we put it that way, divorce doesn’t seem so bad.  The contemporary usage, however, a legal dissolution of marriage, has ramifications far beyond what any one of us could singularly comprehend.  Divorcing one’s spouse – the person with whom you have vowed to uphold certain promises to – is an ultimate betrayal. 

True, there are many circumstances where divorce is necessary to preserve the sanity and security for one’s self and one’s children.  The irony is, women and men in extremely abusive relationships truly fear for their lives if they would dare attempt such a feat. (Remember what I said earlier about betrayal?)  Usually in those instances, the abused will do everything in their power to hold things together until the abuser decides to exit the situation and end the whole ordeal on their terms.

Most cases of divorce, on the other hand, are between spouses that come to some determination that their lives can no longer be intertwined due to “marital disputes.”  I know people who have divorced their spouses because they could not agree on which part of the country to live in, because their spouse suffered a debilitating injury and could not bring home as much money as they used to, because they were tired of fighting all the time, because they wanted more sex, because they couldn’t agree on childcare, etc., etc., etc.

It took many years before I could accept that my mother and father’s claim of “we don’t fight” was actually abnormal as far as relationships go.  (The truth is, my mother is so controlling she even chooses what clothes my father should wear for different activities.  He’s just learned to keep the peace by not setting boundaries for himself.)  Every couple fights, every couple argues, every couple disagrees.

Because no two people are exactly alike in their tastes, preferences, beliefs, or pet peeves, friction is bound to happen — especially when neither party wishes to compromise so that both can get what they need.  Add to that the times when our worst qualities come out and demand to be seen, and you’ve got a recipe for emotional warfare waiting to explode all over the living room.

I don’t think I would fantasize about divorce nearly as much if I wasn’t hearing about it all the time.  I would probably fantasize about separate vacations, or having an affair, or any number of things that would hint at the promise of personal freedom from childcare and household responsibilities.

Divorce is an illusion – a solution to a problem that in the long run only creates more of the same problems. 

David and I aren’t willing to go there.  So we do something radical that most couples, it seems, don’t do:  we talk about how we’re feeling.  We listen to how the other one is feeling.  We try to discover together where the roots of the feelings lie.  We look for solutions that will make both of us feel better.  And you know what?  Each and every time, we find one.  Then we work on it.

Relationships aren’t static.  People aren’t static.  Our needs change over time because our interests and desires change over time.  Therefore, how we relate to each other’s needs (i.e. the relationship) changes too.

It’s not that some people are just better at it than others; it’s that some people are more willing to work on the hard stuff than others.  Nobody who gets married ever knows what they’re in for.

It takes work, it takes practice, and it takes commitment.  “For as long as love shall live.”

“For As Long As Love Shall Live…”

It’s impossible to understand the dynamics of a couple without looking at the down and dirty nitty-gritty of their most intimate secrets.  So let’s lay it all out on the table, shall we?

We have what appears to be an ongoing argument.  A friction point.  The place in time and space where — simultaneously — our needs are not met by the other and we each lash out with vicious abandon.  Yes, I am ashamed.  I’ve never told anyone else about this perpetual disturbance in the force.  Well, at least not any normal person, psychologists and mental health counselors not included.

After a decade of going round and round with no clear outcome or advance in communication, I think I’ve finally figured out the pattern.  I do something he doesn’t like and in response, he shuts me out and fumes about it.  I can tell something’s wrong by his expression, posture, and hostile tone so I immediately ask what’s wrong.  His response?  “Nothing. / I’m fine. / Just leave me alone.”

Over the years I’ve learned to give him a little more space when I notice something’s up.  So instead of grilling him about what the problem is, I try to ignore him, to “leave him alone” as he so desperately pleads.  This strategy seems to work for avoiding confrontation, but it doesn’t solve anything in the long-term, and it leaves me feeling suddenly and awkwardly alone in the middle of an otherwise perfect outing. 

I start to fume because I can tell he’s lying and I know he’ll continue to fume about it and blow up at the most minute inconvenience or incompetence on the part of any unsuspecting person — including myself or our 3 year old.  This has to stop before it gets out of hand, so I try again.  “What’s wrong?”

He tries to be evasive by saying he doesn’t want to talk about it, and points out that anything he says will just start and argument because I can’t handle criticism.  I counter with my own attack about him not knowing how to soften the blow, and although we might not be officially yelling, we’ve both jumped into the lion’s den with swords and spears at the ready.

As his patience wears thin, he starts feeling cornered and batters me with a litany of complaints and abuses aimed to wound, scar, and terrify me into ultimatums of shaping up or shipping out. 

I break down in tears and begin screaming about how much he hates me and blames my very existence for his miserable, wretched life.  He says that’s not true and then starts campaigning again against all the things I do that annoy, aggravate and antagonize him. 

We go on like this until one of us is too upset to say anything more, or one of us acknowledges that we should move out.  The rioting begins to simmer down, leaving both of us emotionally bloodied and torn.  Neither one of us has ever actually followed through on our threats to vacate the relationship, but I do give it some serious consideration every now and again.

I am not happy when he’s miserable, that’s for sure.  I do not love him when he’s like this.  And, well, it’s pretty much all the time.  He’s bitchy and miserable first thing in the morning because he never gets good sleep so I try to steer clear of him.  He’s bitchy and miserable when he comes home from work in the evening, so… I try to steer clear of him.  If he’s feeling companionable, he’ll kiss me on the cheek and say hello with a tiny smile, but then he still disappears into the garage to be alone. 

Dinner time is almost always stressful:  our daughter refuses to eat anything I make for dinner.  Dave scowls if it’s anything other than chicken, pasta, or red meat.  Most of the time he eats what I make for dinner, occasionally he won’t because he “just can’t stomach it” for whatever reason (stress, misery, heartburn, digestive problems, etc.).  He does, however, always look me in the eye when he sits down at the table and says ”Thank you for making dinner.”

I love him so much when he’s nice to me.  I’m crying right now just thinking about it.  I’m also very aware that I’m crying because I’m starved for attention and tender loving care.  He doesn’t know how to be tender, or romantic, or passionate.  He doesn’t know how to have fun or enjoy things.  He’s just…miserable.

I love my husband because he is a good provider.  I hate him because he is so fucking miserable all the time.

How different would my life be if it were just me and Abagail living by ourselves, where we wanted to be living, in a house we actually liked living in with neighbors and friends we actually liked hanging out with?  Seems too good to be true.  But then I think about the small fraction of her father’s time she actually gets to spend with him.  The nightly bedtime routine: toilet, teeth, and hair, followed by the stories shared and stories read before he tucks her into bed with a kiss, a snuggle, and a hug….

Part 6 of Snippets from “The 7 Stages of Motherhood”

“Research shows that rates of depression are twice as high among women with toddlers as they are for other mothers. [Referenced from The Mother Dance by Harriet Lerner.]  In her book, The Sacrificial Mother, Carin Rubenstein hypothesizes that depression is the cost of self-sacrifice, of constantly giving, giving, giving–time, attention, empathy, understanding–with very little ‘payback.’  Certainly, the emotional drain of sacrificing so much can take its toll, but so can the frustration and anger.  When your toddler hurls his bowl of sauced macaroni off the table–the macaroni you cooked just the way he likes it–murderous thoughts may flash through your mind.  But you don’t act on those thoughts.  You may not even give them voice; instead, you turn your rage inward, where it sits like a lead weight on your chest.  Dragging around a lead apron is exhausting.  It’s also a fairly apt description of what it feels like to be depressed.”

 

“Alienation is the last thing you need at a time when there’s no such thing as too much reassurance.  This is especially true if you are grappling with the challenge of balancing work and family and worrying–as the vast majority of moms do–that you are cheating your kids and yourself out of precious hours together.  Finding a circle of sympathetic coworkers, relatives, or friends is critical during the roller-coaster toddler years.  If you don’t have someone’s hand to grab as you careen around an unexpected turn, you may wind up screaming in the dark alone.”

 

“Unrealistic expectations and the guilt they provoke are fed by the self-defeating thinking that we ‘should’ be doing something we can’t or don’t want to do.”

 

“The difficult patches during Maddie’s preschool years had rarely, if ever, made us feel like a team.  More often, her obstinacy or whining or begging or all of the above drove Steve out of the room and me up the wall.”

Part 5 of Snippets from “The 7 Stages of Motherhood”

“In order to make the transition to parenthood work, we needed to tune in to each other with renewed concentration and energy.  In her seminal book, The Second Shift, Arlie Russell Hochschild profiles several couples for whom ‘the scarcity of gratitude led to a dearth of small gestures of caring.’  In practically every case the results were increased strain, even estrangement, especially as additional children entered the picture….

 One of the paradoxes of the first year [of motherhood] is that the baby can bring you together and pull you apart with searing intensity.  I never felt closer to Steve than when we would lie together and look at Maddie and whisper to each other, ‘Isn’t she beautiful?  Do you believe we made her?’  But I could also feel as though we were shouting across a canyon whem issues of who did what and whose job was more important brought us face-to-face with our fundamental differences.  :earning to respect and even embrace those differences took time and patience and, to a certain extent, a willingness to capitulate.

 I would love to report that by the time Steve filmed Maddie’s first birthday, we had found a fair and loving way to share her care.  But the truth is we struggled—sometimes intensely and always differently—with our new roles; we argued and made up, hired more help and sacrificed opportunities at work…. The challenge to embrace a new definition of we mirrored our individual struggles to accept a radically altered sense of ourselves.”

Part 4 of Snippets from “The 7 Stages of Motherhood”

“For Nancy, the adjustment to being home full-time with an infant was extremely tough.  She missed the solid footing and disciplined choreography of her prebaby days.  ‘I was very disoriented being home with Jennifer all day long,’ she recalled.  ‘I always thought of myself as a very organized, disciplined person by nature, but I realized that a lot of that discipline was imposed by my work and by sports.  I knew I had a meting at tem or a flight to catch at two or a game at six.  Suddenly, all I had was a baby who wouldn’t sleep—I mean never!’

 Without clear goals, with little structure to our days, we can easily find the first few months with an infant suffocating and disorienting.  But, of course, there are countless “goals” that are reached, even exceeded, when we care for our newborns; we just don’t perceive them that way….  When you do manage to dress your baby and yourself, to go out for a walk or a drive, to call on a relative or go to a doctor’s appointment, you’ve pulled off a three-ring circus of amazing feats.  Just don’t try explaining that to your colleague at the office or to childless friends.  Even your spouse, if he’s back at work, is likely to be so grounded in his reliable and predictable routine that, compared with the gravity-free soup you’re floating in, his world can seem like a different planet.”

 

“There’s no question that one of the most important supports during the first few months of your baby’s life is other new mothers.  You don’t need a network, just a couple of women who can provide advice, comfort, and a little perspective on your new life.  Your colleagues at work, even those who have children, are guaranteed to hold up the wrong mirror—the one you used before your baby was born.  Only another mom or someone who remembers keenly how abnormal the initial months feel has the sense and the sensitivity to say, ‘Hey, you’re never going to get back to normal.  You’ll just find your footing and begin to find yourself again.’

 What you may discover is that the new you belongs at home, not at the job you thought you loved.  Or you may realize that being home 24/7 with a baby isn’t what you’re cut out to do.  Whether you transition back to work or stay home full-time, your decision will require much soul searching and engender everything from ambivalence to high anxiety.  Even if you think it’s about your baby and what’s best for him, believe me, it’s not that simple.  As your fourth trimester comes to an end and you emerge from the cocoon of fatigue and confusion that often characterizes this early ‘altered state,’ you’ll experience a dramatic shift not only in your relationship to your baby but in all your relationships—most important, your relationship to yourself.”